Bi Woman Suffers Orientation Whiplash

Bisexual, Satire

A local bisexual woman has been diagnosed with a new condition tentatively being called Sexual Orientation Whiplash.

“Every time I date someone new, everyone changes my sexual orientation for me,” the dizzied subject relates. “When I’m dating a guy, I’m a straight girl who used to be kinky. When I’m dating a girl, I’m a lesbian who took her time figuring it out.”

She pauses to steady herself as a wave of vertigo floods through her.

“It’s more like I have a Sexual Disorientation,” she quips upon recovery. “The only time I get to be considered bi is when I’m going poly or dating a non-binary person.”

While sexual orientation is an internal factor based on the genders one does or doesn’t find sexually attractive, many people ignore this in favor of externally assigning women an orientation according to current activities and actions.

“I guess I’m lucky, though. If I were a guy, I’d just be gay all the time, it seems.”

The rules are apparently different for bisexual men.

Some of the effects of Sexual Orientation Whiplash go beyond dizzy spells and headaches, however.

“I’m considering breaking up with my boyfriend. Pride is almost here, so I need to find someone other than a cis man to date real quick if I want to go.”

Currently, the only known treatment for this condition is for people to stop being dicks about it. As a result, the prognosis is unfortunately dim.

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